This post was not scheduled but sitting down yesterday trying to figure what post I was going to publish made me really afraid. I sat and wondered why I am the way I am. We all say “THIS IS ME” but unfortunately, I don’t believe that, I honestly believe there’s a part of me that isn’t real. Why? Its easy I have played victim to my life for way to long.
I never thought I would be sharing my story (Not the full on, because I want to keep certain things private) on any platform however I feel that today is the day I would sit down write the most personal blog post ever (in my opinion).
I don’t even know how to begin but let me just dive into it and see where this goes.
You may wonder why I said I have been playing victim to my life, well I was a victim for 12 years of my life I fell victim to a group of “Popular” girls and boys at School. Hmmmm yes, I was bullied. There are so many things that happened which I can’t remember. But one thing for sure my appearance was an issue. I didn’t look like them I had a pot belly with a little extra. This post is going to be my final let go of my past so I can start my new age refreshed,
Remember back in the days dress up parties were the jam, Spice Girls, Superheroes you name it! There was a party, it was pretty awesome having your friend come up to you and tell you, you have been invited, so I got home excited and showed my parents I have been invited to a birthday party oh and it was dress up. My mom and I dug up the best outfit and off we went to the party.
Now I was invited so they should’ve been excited to see me, right? Well no, I got there and the girls stood inside laughing at me while I waited to be let in, I think we stood outside for about 30 mins before the next girl came and she was let in immediately but let me just tell you this, it was no dress up party it was a normal tea party with a group of friends (I LOOKED LIKE AN IDIOT).
When 5th grade came around and liking boys were a thing. I told my closest friend at the time that I liked this guy and he found out, one of my “friends” who was a guy told me that the boy told him he will never like a Fat girl like me, I shrugged it off but that began the real down fall in my bullying saga. I became friendless sitting on the step outside the classroom with nobody sitting next me or anybody to offer my chips to, But my weight was an issue for my class/grade, I even got a nickname that I would never forget GIP they used to chant this whenever I ate or walked past or when I was invited to play that game called “ON-ON” I was targeted and they would shout “GIP IS IT”. I asked my aftercare friend who only spoke to me once his friends went home what does GIP mean and he said its PIG backwards.
For 2 years of my life I was attacked for being FAT and I was basically been called a PIG all my life, oh and let me not forget to tell you I was also known as OROS girl. To this day I haven’t been able to shake the pain and hurt I felt during my primary school career.
Do you know? I go to shopping malls and I see my ex classmates and I avoid them completely because I haven’t lost the weight and I will always been known as GIP, my class wanted to have a reunion and literally freaked the F out because I knew I was going to be judged for the way I looked.
I have kept that in my heart all my life and to this day I have been so aware of my weight and fat and even looking at myself in the mirror, All I see is that girl nicknamed GIP. I have gone off topic right now (told you it was going to be jumbled), I struggle to this day to accept who I am and I don’t know if any of you are the ones that used to bully me but I want to ask this, WHY? What did I do to you to make you feel the need to degrade me like this? Do you even care that I will always feel like I’m not worthy? To the idiot/boy that told me he will never like a fat girl like me, do you feel good that you have seriously damaged my confidence forever?
These are just some of the things that I have held on to in my life, This is my final FU, Straight up middle finger to them, I will never forget this but I don’t want this to rule my life anymore, I am still “overweight” my pot belly is here and it will be for a while but one thing for sure, Im not hating myself as much as I did. I let being bullied rule my life and Im not standing for it anymore.
it’s difficult to shrug the hurt and anger you may feel, but the point is they don’t care because they now 25, engaged and living their lives in America and you stuck with this memory. I want to say this.
I am not healed nor do I think I will ever be but one thing for sure. I am still here to find revenge against the inner bully I live with every day.
I think I am done with my brain fart, I’m so sorry that it may seem like a hot mess of a post but I would like to thank you for giving me the opportunity to express my feeling.
Until we meet again,