Today I am off from work and for some reason I haven’t been able to bounce back. So I decided to write a blog post to get my shizz out because that’s what I do. i wanted to write an “update” blog post so here it is.
This blog post is probably going to end up being heavily emotional for me and some of you may roll your eyes and that’s okay.
Today was driving home after a mini retail therapy session at Cavendish and I found myself talking to myself (there was no one in the car) and literally just venting away about stuff. For about 2 months now I have been hating my life and hating the person that I am. I have told myself that I have such a bad life and to be honest I have had days where I just don’t want to do it anymore and stay in bed and sleep. A state of mind that has not gone away in about 2 years.
Recently I have focusing on all the negative. Work is such a bitch because I am unable to be fully present at home and I legit take over the vibe with my bad vibe every single day. My relationship status and being lonely one of my biggest issues in my life now. I am going to be honest with you I am lonely. I feel lonely in life. I have really good friends of mine moving on to the next chapters and me personally Im stuck in living at home with my parents and not having time out with friends besides the odd occasion. My weight which you all know is something that I am changing or trying to change because it has been such a big ass issue in my life, my journey is not easy because I am emotionally eating.
I was driving home and I asked myself “Why I am in a bad mood or head space”. Yesterday (27-11-2018) I had a session with my trainer which I honestly tanked. I walked away feeling distant from my trainer or like they were pissed with me. I thought I pushed myself which I did…to the point of throwing up but for some reason I didn’t feel like I was good enough. I know my trainer wasn’t pissed but in that moment I saw the ugly side of everything and I realised that this is the way everyone in my life is looking at me. Like im a disappointment but in all honesty I am just disappointed in myself.
Trying to change the things that only I know how to do which bashing and expecting the worse from myself is one of the toughest things anyone can do. I was about 5 mins away from home which I broke down in tears still talking to myself…
For so many years I have said I don’t have a good life, I am too ugly or fat or annoying for people. One thing anyone needs to know about me if I get a vibe from someone that “they don’t like me” I shut off from that person completely and my relationship with that person changes to “business” which I am so scared of doing again.
However, this “person” I was talking to told me something which has made me think deeper. I have one of the most loving and supportive families probably in world. I have a mother who cares and gives me everything just so I can be alright. I have a father that cares too much to the point I handle it so I lash out. I have the greatest irritate in life which my brother who loves and supports me silently and his girlfriend who is always there when I need her.
When I lost my job in 2016 my family gave whatever they could to get me by the month that means money for my debit orders, petrol for interview .etc and more importantly the support I needed when I had to deal with being unemployed at the age of 22. They rallied around me when I lost my job again in 2017 because of an illegal retrenchment and now again dealing with going to work for a place I can’t handle or stand because of being told “I don’t add value”. I parked my car and sat while my dogs were barking inside crying for about 5 mins. This has been the lowest I have felt.
Its now past 2pm a few hours after my break down, im chilling on my bed with my boys sleeping next to me writing the blog post. I thought about how am I going to change the way I am feeling. Im going to be writing down goals and things I need to do to get my away from this person I can not stand now.
Those are the 5 things I am going to do for now and see how it goes.
I want to say thank you to everyone who has sent messages about my journey and personal experiences. You don’t know how much it means to me, I don’t know if you ladies and gents have some sixth sense but sometimes you sent it exactly when I need to hear it. I love you guys more than you know.
Im ending this now. I have realised im broken and unfortunately the only person that can bring me back is myself. I may lash out but its only a reflection of my emotions. This is post has made admit more than I thought.
I promise my next post wont be a bleak one…Until then
Janine Papier, 24 from Cape Town. A IT girl by day and blogger by night. This is my space for you all about Lifestyle, Social Media and Blogging.